Have you ever really hated someone and didn't know why? You've never really spoken to the person and so you can't say for sure whether or not he or she is a decent human, but for some strange reason you harbor contempt for that person anyway.
Well, this is how I feel about N. This old woman who co-teaches a class with my belly dance instructor. The few words that I've spoke with her were harmless small talk and she never said anything wrong to me but I just don't like her face. I'm serious.
I've gone over everything in my head that may be the cause of this, that maybe I'm jealous that she's teaching at the studio and not me, that it's possible I'm jealous that she's a good dancer and frequent performer, since I haven't performed in over a year; that I'm letting jealousy get the best of me, but that's not it.
She's a shy woman who just doesn't have what it takes to teach. And forgive me for being so mean, but at least I am studying the reason for these feelings instead of just lashing out, right?. I stand there copying her moves and watching her, her serious face, her proud shimmies moving into a hip roll, vibration, undulation, and her expressions thinking this woman is just SO full of her self! And when I first saw her I thought nothing more than here's a very shy woman who studied this dance for years and I watched as it strengthened her confidence. But I simply HATE HATE HATE taking her classes and I have no other choice but to stand there and copy her because there aren't that many advanced classes there after all. What I hate the most is she's a 'show offy' teacher. I mean she teaches one move, goes right into the next, and keeps it going so that we're all struggling to catch up and then when she teaches a really advanced move, well she doesn't even teach it all, she shows it, tells everyone to do it and then laughs to herself if she doesn't like the outcome and says something like "no don't do it.. forget it ... we'll move on to something else". Grrrrrrrr... And to be really mean I will say she's nothing to look at so when she tries to make seductive faces while she dances, it makes me want to laugh out loud. Ugh, I know I'm horribly mean.
It's been a long time and still I can't rid myself of the utter disgust I have every time she takes to the center and begins to teach. Even at the time in my life when I was performing and doing well I still dreaded having to warmup with her. It's so frustrating. Good thing it's over. Pray that next week I don't lose my head otherwise you'll get another vent.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
My dreams & Dali
I had a dream about you the other night. We were on a beach somewhere, maybe in Thailand because we kept making plans to go there. It was beautiful and sunny but we were fighting and I don't remember what about, probably the usual; the what and where of our relationship. What will we do together and where can we go since we can't live in each other's home country. We were on the beach and you were walking away from me with your head down, the way I've seen you some times before. From a distance, I saw a big wave coming. Tsunami, straight ahead! I pointed and my heart dropped because I couldn't get your attention. The wave came up and washed over you and I watch in horror and then relief because it didn't take you back; it just washed over you and left you drenched and in both shock and relief.
I had the same dream of a Tsunami washing over you, but not taking your life again a couple of nights later.
In "The Road Less Traveled", the book R. told me to read. Mr. Peck says that your dreams are a direct link to the current issues that you have; a clue to unfolding things your conscious doesn't want to deal with. He says that dreams can often offer us solutions or merely remind you of things you need to deal with as surreal as they may seem.
My dreams have always been as easy to dissect as a Dali painting; it dares to attract you and once it does - sucks you into a world of melting clocks, fierce tigers, naked characters and a mixture of images that can have a thousand different meanings.
This was the first dream I had in a long time that wasn't Dali. Was the wave our problems? Were they washing over you, tormenting you? Or do you feel like a great weight has been lifted after emerging?
There I was, waiting on the sand for you; hoping for your survival, and here I am still contemplating the dream that was us.
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